Not CHOSEN (Parody)

This is a parody of the widely-disseminated Buffy the Vampire Slayer season 7 finale shooting script (spring, 2003). 

It follows the scenes of the spoiled script pretty closely, but the dialogue is different.   This is ONLY a parody.  It seeks only to amuse and to find answers to such immortal questions as:

What does the First really want?
Buffy did WHAT to Caleb?
What was Beljoxa's Eye blabbing about?
Is Dawn still the Key, and if not, what the hell happened in Conversations With Dead People?
What is more literary, the Yellow Crayon or the Unbaked Cookie?
Was Halfrek Cecily?
Who put the demon eggs in Spike's crypt?
What happened to the First at the end?
Does Buffy love Spike?

PS. This is pretty equal-opportunity-sarcastic, but for the record, I love Mutant Enemy, love the show, and have great respect for Joss and the others members of his talented writing team.

To send comments or flames: lindabarlow@elucidate.com

TEASER

INT. CRYPT -- NIGHT

BUFFY and ANGEL are kissing. Buffy pulls back, wrinkling her nose.

BUFFY
You smell like Cordy.  (wipes her mouth with the back of her hand).  Eeeuw,
you and Cordy?

ANGEL
(earnestly)
She has a soul now.

BUFFY
(sniffs the air suspiciously)  You even smell a little like Darla.

ANGEL
She had a soul, too. Briefly.

BUFFY
Lotta that going around.  (hard)  So what are you doing here?

ANGEL
I came to help.  I hear the First is trying to make you the Last.

BUFFY
Well, thanks, but last time you met The First, you two made a date to go
sunbathing.

ANGEL
Ancient history.  (Modestly).  I'm a Champion now.  I help the helpless. (He
holds up the W&H file).  Plus, I brought you some Vital Information.

The "apparently" dead CALEB LEAPS into frame and TOSSES ANGEL across the
room.  He DIVES for the SCYTHE that Buffy carelessly dropped on the ground
at the end of episode 21.

CALEB
You're a vile, dirty whore who stinks of filthy X chromosomes, and I'm
aimin' to cleanse every bit of that scarlet menstrual-blood-stained
femaleness from your pert, luscious, corrupt, man-enticing body.


END OF TEASER


ACT ONE

INT. CRYPT -- NIGHT

As Caleb snatches at the scythe, Buffy kicks it out of his reach, swoops
down, and grabs it.

BUFFY
Right.  You always come back.

They have another cool, kick-ass fight.  Caleb's looking a little peaked.
Must be all that bloodloss from when she gutted him in the last episode.

ANGLE: SPIKE watches from the far corner.  He looks bored.  Buffy is so
gonna kick this idiot's ass.  He flicks a glance at Angel, who is sleeping
the sleep of the knocked unconscious.  Useless sod.

CALEB
Soon you will feel the purifying glory of my blade.

BUFFY
You wish, priestikins.

She slams him to his knees.

BUFFY
Who's prayin' now, padre?

Since Buffy has much too much class to do the obvious balls-chopping-off
thang, she swings the scythe in a wide arc and neatly lops off Caleb's head.

Now that the danger is over, Angel wakes up, jumps to his feet.

ANGEL
(Sees the carnage) Is he dead?

BUFFY
Unless he's from Pylea.

ANGLE: SPIKE and Buffy/The First

BUFFY/FIRST
(to Spike)  Woulda sworn she'd go for his balls.  Isn't that what she did to
you?

Spike smirks and flips the First the bird.

ANGEL
As I was saying - (He opens his folder, pulls out some papers, and hands
them to Buffy).

ANGEL (cont)
-- Little gifty for you.

BUFFY
(reads) Wow!  This explains a lot!  No wonder the Beljoxa's Eye said the
Slayer Line was wonky.  Wolfram and Hart poisoned the blood of the fawn that Willow killed for my resurrection.

ANGEL
Wait.  Willow snuffed Bambi?

BUFFY
That fawn had a Heart of Darkness.  Get it?  Heart/Hart?  When its blood
seeped into my body it made me all Wolfram and Harty.  (Buffy has an
EPIPHANY). That must be why I wanted to die and have kinky sex with Spike!

ANGEL
You wanted to which and have what?

BUFFY ignores him, continues reading.

ANGEL (cont.)
(warily)  Is Spike your boyfriend?

BUFFY
(lofty)
Relationships are the farthest thing from my mind.

ANGEL
Please don't tell me you're in LOVE with him?

BUFFY
(her voice softens)
He's in my heart.  That's "heart" with an "e."

ANGLE ON SPIKE:  Listening and beaming.

ANGEL
I don't believe this!  You and Spike?

BUFFY
Hello, Mr. Had-A-Son-With-Dead-Darla.

ANGEL
That was different.

BUFFY
Shut up and let me read.

ANGEL
But --

BUFFY
(Ignoring him, she flips a page) After Willow brought me back to life, I'd become
the Wolfram and Hart-tainted Slayer.  And it turns out that the First Evil is Wolfram and Hart's brother-in-law!

ANGEL
You know, everything thinks Wolfram and Hart are so evil, but maybe they're
just, uh, misunderstood.

BUFFY
So Firsty gets a call on its cell phone in Hell saying, "yo, we've weakened
the Slayer with our Evil Bambi blood.  So come on up and bring your Ubic
Horde!"

ANGEL
(getting nervous with all this talk about Wolfram and Hart)
Hey, you wanna see something neat?

He pulls the amulet out of his pocket.

BUFFY
Cool.  (Keeps reading)

ANGEL holds up the amulet and lets it swing back in forth in front of her
face.  He gets her attention.  Buffy frowns at the amulet.  Then she reaches
for it.

ANGEL
(Raises it over her head)
No.  It's not for you.  It was meant for me.

BUFFY
(eying it)
How d'you figure?

ANGEL
It's very dangerous.  And powerful. It's all ABOUT power.

BUFFY
I'll bet it's all connected, too.

ANGEL
Totally.  And it's meant for a Champion.  For the Vampire with the Soul.
That's me.

SPIKE
(As he emerges from the shadows)  Sorry, mate.  Got that wrong.  (Spike
slugs Angel, who goes flying again, but not before Spike relieves him of the
amulet).  This doo-dad's got my name on it.

EXT. GRAVEYARD -- NIGHT

Buffy stalks out of the tomb, with Spike calling after her:

SPIKE
What?

She stops, turns.

BUFFY
You decked Angel!

SPIKE
Yeah, well, I was gonna take his sodding head off, too, but, hey, look at me
(fake beatific smile)-- I'm good now.

BUFFY
But our big Buffy/Angel Reunion Scene wasn't finished.

SPIKE
Look, pet, I just saved several pages of script and extricated you from the
Cookie speech.  I mean, face it -- the Yellow Crayon thing was Shakespearean
compared to that.

(Buffy considers).

SPIKE (cont)
But if you want to go back in there and tell him to wait for you until you
get all baked and gooey and hot-chocolate-chippy...

BUFFY
(quickly)
Er, no.  Let's go home.


INT. SUMMERS' HOME -- FOYER/LIVING ROOM/DINING ROOM -- NIGHT

Buffy enters and sees DAWN, who's not in Oxnard, wherever that is.  XANDER
is sitting in the dining room, looking like he's got a monster headache.
ANYA is hovering over him.

Buffy scowls at Xander, who winces.

XANDER
I tried to keep an eye on her.  But I had to keep one eye on the road. You
see the problem...

DAWN
(to Buffy)
Bitch.

BUFFY
Whiner.

DAWN
Control freak.

BUFFY
Judas.

They glare at each other, then Buffy opens her arms and Dawn runs into them.
They hug.  Awww.

BUFFY
I just wanted you safe.

DAWN
But it's not your decision. 

BUFFY
(reluctantly)  Okay.

DAWN
I didn't choose to be magically inserted into a dysfunctional family and
volley-balled back and forth between a hellgod and a superhero.  But I DO
choose to stay and fight.

BUFFY
Fair enough.  Just...don't throw yourself in front of any evil locomotives,
ok?

DAWN
Um...ok.  Got it.


ANDREW
Actually, everybody, FYI, the train doesn't come here anymore.  (Andrew
holds up the "big board."  The Sunnydale railroad station has a big red X
through it).

ANDREW (cont)
We've been isolated from the world.

(He taps a marker at a rough sketch of a demon, another one of a ghostly
figure resembling Warren, and a third of a guy with a clerical collar
holding a knife with fat drops of blood dripping down from it).

We're the Last True Defenders of Sunnydale.

(His voice gets increasingly emotional)

ANDREW (cont)
It's up to us to make a stand.  To draw the line. To speak the immortal
words: "You got this far, but here we stop you.  Here you die."

ANYA
Unless we speak the mortal words, "No! Help! Glgrh!" and keel over, choking
on our own blood.

WILLOW
(quickly, to Buffy)
Did you learn happen to anything more about Mr. Scythey?

BUFFY
Yep.  It works real well.  (She goes to the big board, takes Andrew's
marker, and slashes a big red X through the Caleb figure).

GILES
You killed Caleb?

BUFFY
An eye for an eye.  A whole head for an eye, actually.

(Everybody cheers)

ANYA
So did you bring the head home?  Because I wanna stick it on a pike and
watch crows feast on his eyeballs.

XANDER
(smiling at Anya)  I don't believe I'm saying this, but I actually kinda
like that idea.

BUFFY
(re: scythe)
I met this weird old crone in a tomb who gave me the skinny on this thing.
And I got some other stuff ...(hands over the W&H files)...that might be
helpful.

GILES
A weird old crone in a tomb had files?

BUFFY
They're from Angel's evil back-from-the-dead lawyers.

WILLOW
Angel's here?  (perks slightly)  Did he bring Fred?

BUFFY
Dawn, there's stuff in those files about the Key. Turns out you could only
be used for that one-time-only mystical lock.  Which means you're really,
truly human.

WILLOW
Wow, Dawnie, that's good news!

BUFFY
But you do have this weird poltergeist-generating power, so you gotta be
careful around glass and walls and microwaves and TVs and coffee makers that
think...

DAWN
Can I wear heels?

BUFFY
Sure.  (She heads towards the basement stairs)  But stay the hell away from
Xander's windows.

INT. SUMMERS' HOME -- BASEMENT -- NIGHT

As Buffy descends, Spike looks up. He's sitting on his bed, not wearing a
shirt, as usual.  He might not be wearing pants, either, but that's hard to tell since he's got a sheet draped over his lower body.

SPIKE
So here she comes.  Barging in, as usual.  I don't suppose you'd care to
tell me why you were all lip-locky with Angel?

BUFFY
(oops)
You saw that.

SPIKE
It's burned on the backs of my eyeballs, pet.

BUFFY
It was an accident.  I was just - oh, all right, it wasn't an accident.  I
was horny.  I haven't had sex all year, and besides, it was, you know ...
the ex thing. If Dru popped back into your life unexpectedly, you'd kiss
her, too.

SPIKE
Maybe.

BUFFY
(eyes narrow)
You'd kiss Dru?

SPIKE
We were together for a bloody century.  So, maybe I'd kiss her.  But then
I'd plunge a stake through her crazy black heart because that's how OVER it
is.  You know that.  Even Fury knew that back in season 5.

BUFFY
(wisely changing the subject)
Where's the amulet?

SPIKE
(Spike opens his hand and reveals it lying on his palm).
Angel was right about one thing.  It is powerful.

BUFFY
You can feel it?

SPIKE
Yeah.  It burns.  And it's got my name on it.

BUFFY
Which name?

SPIKE
William.

BUFFY
That's Angel's name, too.  Wow.  What a coincidence.  I wonder if it means
something?

SPIKE
A name cuts deep, right to the heart of things. I can feel it, Buffy.  (He holds up the amulet and stares into the jewel in its center).  It's tuned to my soul.

BUFFY
Angel said it was meant for a Champion. (beat)  That's you.

SPIKE
(grins briefly)  Who woulda thought?

BUFFY
So...um...about the not having sex all year thing...

SPIKE
(Looks up)
What about it?

BUFFY
I-- Well, Faith's in my bed, and...

SPIKE
After seeing you all smoochy-goochy with Angel?  Hey, I've got some pride
left.

BUFFY winces, then nods.

BUFFY
I get that.

She turns to go.

SPIKE
(quickly)
Besides, I could never ask.  Not after what I did.

BUFFY
(turns back)
We're both different now.

SPIKE
Yeah.  But if we... you might suddenly find that you could not forget.

BUFFY
(coming slowly toward him)
Look, we both acted badly.  But it's over.

SPIKE
(laughs shortly)  Last time you spoke those words, my crypt blew up.

BUFFY
(smiles) Think we could maybe blow up this basement?

SPIKE
You're just saying that because "tomorrow we die" and all.

Her palms cup his face.

BUFFY
No.  I want....  (hesitates)  If you still want...

SPIKE
(pulls her gently down on the bed and kisses her).

Joss is SO gonna kill me.

INT. SUMMERS' HOME - BASEMENT - NIGHT

It is later, and Buffy is wrapped in Spike's arms. They are naked, but
artfully cloaked in sheets.  Spike is asleep.  Buffy is wakeful.  She
strokes his hand gently.

After a bit, Spike turns over, and Buffy sits up.  She pulls the sheet with
her as she rises from the bed.  Goes to the window.  Gazes out at the moon.

Caleb materializes right in front of her.

CALEB/FIRST
Like I said - dirty, filthy, sex-having whore.

BUFFY
(groans)
Caleb's dead.  You're the First.

CALEB/FIRST
Yeah, he's about a head shorter now. Ain't that a shame?  He had you
spinning for awhile there, though.  Pity you didn't stop him before he
slaughtered your little girls and mauled your blue-eyed boy.

BUFFY
I GET it.  You're evil.

CALEB/FIRST
I will swallow you whole.

BUFFY
Right.  From beneath me....

CALEB/FIRST
When you and all your slayettes are gone, there'll be nothing to stop me.
Today Sunnydale, tomorrow Paris, London, Istanbul.

BUFFY
You know, you're the lamest villain I've ever faced.  If you insist on
impersonating someone dead, why not shimmy into the Mayor's skin?  Now there
was a Big Bad worthy of my talents.

CALEB/FIRST
(pissed)
He is in me.  They're all in me.  (In a flash, the First goes through the
cycle from the Master to Warren and back again).  Best of all, you're in me.

(Buffy/First replaces Caleb/First).

BUFFY
Yeah, why is that?  And why are you back, anyway?  What do you want?

BUFFY/FIRST
My ambitions are beyond your imagination, little girl.

BUFFY
Bzzt.  Wrong answer.  (Gets in the First's face) What could you possibly want - you, the great Author of All Evil?

BUFFY/FIRST
(intensely)
I want your world.  And I want you.  Your body.  Your silky Maybeline skin.
Your bouncy hair.  Your penchant for rough sex is appealing, too.  (Glances
over at Spike, still sleeping on the bed).  I've got plans for him.  He's
very lively under the sheets.  And I really enjoyed torturing him.

BUFFY
(fighting to keep her cool)
Why me?

BUFFY/FIRST
Why you?  You're the strongest.  Into every generation, a Slayer is born.
One girl in all the world. She alone will have the power... except you'll be
dead, Slayer, and I'll be in your body.

BUFFY
So let me get this straight -- you're jonesing after the clay I stripped off
when I dove from the Tower?

BUFFY/FIRST
With no annointed ones left to follow you, your power will have no focus.
No human vessel to fill.  When you die in agony, I will take your power.  I will eat your soul and steal your body. And then I'll party.

BUFFY
That's it?  I don't believe this.  You're the Great Original Evil and all
you really want is to be me?  No wonder you set up shop in the high school!

SPIKE
I'm trapped inside the Angel-mobile and my hair is poofy!

Buffy glances at Spike, who jerks awake.  He shakes his head, wincing.

SPIKE (cont'd)
Nasty dream.

Buffy doesn't respond.

SPIKE (cont'd)
Buffy? You okay?

BUFFY
I think I'm having an epiphany.

SPIKE
By yourself?  Well, if you need a ciggie afterwards, I think I got a pack.

BUFFY (cont'd)
The First is toast.  We're going fry it and eat it for breakfast.

SPIKE
Cool.  Come back to bed, luv.

She does.

LATER -- we hear a loud crash in the dark.  No lights as we hear:  BUFFY and
SPIKE laughing.

BUFFY
Wait, wait, there a rug.  I thought there was a rug...

SPIKE
You're amazing, Slayer.  The things you do.


END OF ACT ONE


ACT TWO

INT. SUMMERS' HOME - BUFFY'S BEDROOM - DAY

Buffy is there with the gang (Dawn, FAITH, Xander, Willow, Giles, Spike, and
Anya). Buffy's got her scythe, which she absently caresses.

BUFFY
So the question is, will it work?

A beat.

XANDER
I don't know, Buff.
(pondering)
I don't get it.  It's like I'm in the jungle and everybody's speaking French.

FAITH
It's a wild idea, B.  Hey, the more the merrier.

GILES
Buffy, this is unprecedented.  You're talking about overturning everything
the Council has ever taught about the power of the Slayer.  You're flying in
the face of hundreds of years of history.  (smiles)  Radical.

WILLOW
Wait just a minute here.  You're all, like, wow, cool, but I'm the one who's
got to work this huge-ass spell.

FAITH
Avec trés beaucoup de magique!

XANDER
See?  That's French!

SPIKE
Bad French.

DAWN
I can say it in Assyrian.  Or Babylonian.

FAITH
What I wanna know is, could this plan actually work?

GILES
If what Buffy has learned about the scythe is true - that it was forged in
antiquity and used to destroy the last pure demon who roamed the earth, then
it is possible that -

(Giles abruptly stops lecturing)

On second thought, I refuse to give this speech.  Seven years, and I'm still
doing all the lame exposition.

(He storms off the set)

WILLOW
What if I can't do it without going all veiny and taxidermist-happy?

BUFFY
I believe in you, Will.

WILLOW basks.

DAWN
Anyway, couldn't you call those coven witches in England and ask them for help?
They saved the day in last year's finale.

XANDER
Hey!  That was me, last year, saving the world.

ANYA
(to Xander)
There, there, sweetie.  Let's go assemble the cannon-fodder.

XANDER
We don't call them that.  That's what Bubonic called them.

ANYA
(grumbling as she and Xander exit)  I've got a few other choice phrases word
for the little twerps.


INT. SUMMERS' HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY

(It's crowded in here.  There are enough cute little 16 year old girls to
fuel Xander's masturbatory fantasies for many a lonely night).

BUFFY
Ok, the script calls for a speech here.  But let's just pretend I made it --
you know - epic evil, big fight, some will die, must be brave, we will
prevail.  Got it?

Everybody nods, looking relieved about the no speechifying.

BUFFY
Gotta make one point, though.

Everybody groans.

BUFFY (cont)
I know you're scared.  It must be terrifying to be full of Potential but
without any Real Power.  You probably wish I were dead so you would have the
power.

At the word "wish," D'Hoffryn materializes in the room and looks around
expectantly.

BUFFY (cont)
But it's not about wishes.  No more wishes.  It's about choices.

D'Hoffryn vanishes again.

ANYA
Wait!  Come back here, you penis!  I wanna know why you've been sending
demons after me.  Were you really trying to kill me, or was that just a lame
demonus ex machina to get me back under Buffy's roof again?  Huh?  D'Hoffryn?   Dammit!

BUFFY
(unfazed)
Each of you will be able to choose - do I accept the Power and become a True
Slayer, or do I run like hell?  Because tomorrow we open the Seal.  I'm
going to take the battle to them!  Once more into the breach, dear friends!
Cannon to the right of them, cannon to the left of them, into the Valley of Death rode the six- (pauses for a quick headcount) -teen.

(One by one, the Potentials fade away until Buffy is left speaking to directly to the camera.

We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we
shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills;
we shall never surrender!

But, hey, you DO have a choice!

INT. SUNNYDALE HIGH SCHOOL - BASEMENT - DAY

FAITH and WOOD are moving furniture in the high school basement.  The walls
around them are also moving, but Faith and Wood pay no attention.

WOOD
So, back in the basement, huh?  Maybe you shoulda taken the Buffy spin-off.

FAITH
Yeah, well, I'm wacky that way.

WOOD
Fine for you, but I was hoping for a piece of that action.

FAITH
You're lucky they didn't kill you off round about episode 10.  Weren't you
the bad-ass dude who put the talisman in the bathroom?

WOOD
That was just to encourage the Slayer to take the lame job at the High
School.

FAITH
'K.  So riddle me this, big guy.  What was with the secretive burial of
Jonathan?

WOOD
Look, I said some prayers over him.  Coupla hallelujahs.  At least I didn't
go, "Jonathan was an idiot, he was stupid, he was weak," and plant him in
the Summers' back yard.

FAITH
Good point.

WOOD
I was never supposed to be evil.

FAITH
Bet you get eaten in the final reel, anyway.

WOOD
I bet I live.  Poor Spike's dogfood, though.

FAITH
Yeah, my money's on that, too.  Big sacrifice, everybody cries, go for the
pain.  How about Buffy?  Breathe or croak?

WOOD
She'll live.  You know - possible future guest shots, feature films?

FAITH
I figure I'll be eating dirt, though.  Had sex.  Dug it too much. (Makes a
neck-axing gesture with her hand)

WOOD
That's bleak.

FAITH
Way of the jossverse.  (looks around, a little spooked)  So what IS with
these shifting walls, anyway?

WOOD
No clue.  I thought they were going for a labyrinth metaphor, but guess not.

(They enter the room where the Seal is.  It's closed up tight).

FAITH
So, I think we're supposed to be having the big post-coital talk where you
tell me I don't have the balls to risk myself in a real relationship.

WOOD
Right.  Ok.  You're hot, but not as hot as you think, and I'm Principal
Hottie.  How's that?

FAITH
Got it in one.  Does that mean we get to go again, test it out?

WOOD
If we both come out with a pulse on the other side of this finale, yeah.
Got yourself a date.

FAITH
Deal.  (beat)  No way you're hotter than me.

WOOD
Prove ya wrong.

FAITH
Not a chance.

WOOD
Oh yeah.


INT. SUMMERS' HOME - WILLOW'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Willow stares at the scythe and tries to focus.

WILLOW
I don't know if I can do this.

KENNEDY
You can, because you're all redeemed and stuff.

WILLOW
I don't feel redeemy.  I feel like I'm in a play and I can't remember my
lines.

KENNEDY
Well, I'll prompt you.

WILLOW
You may have to take one of those long hooks and yank me off the stage.

KENNEDY
You mean kill you?

WILLOW
It could come to that.  If I - you don't know what I'm like when I..
(feelingly)  You don't know.

KENNEDY
Look, I trust you.  Buffy trusts you.

WILLOW
It's a major mystical transformation.  I've never tried anything this
complex - it'll have international implications!  And ramifications.  And
weirdifications.

KENNEDY
You can do this, Willow.  You won't be alone.  You'll never be alone again.

WILLOW
You mean it?

KENNEDY
Sure.  There has to be ONE happily-ever-after, and I guess we're it.  None of
the fans can stand me, but hey, Joss thinks I'm strong, so, whatever.  You're stuck with me, tongue-piercing and all.

WILLOW
Hey, I like the tongue-thing.

KENNEDY
Hon, trust me, everybody likes the tongue-thing.


INT. SUMMERS' HOME - DINING ROOM - NIGHT

***Ok-- the Giles-Xander-Andrew-Amanda D&D Game scene featuring Trogdor the
Burninator is way too cool to parody.   Great scene!***


INT. SUMMERS' HOME - DAWN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Andrew is there with all the Potentials, avidly video-taping as Dawn
dramatically intones:

DAWN
And then Spike grabs Buffy from behind and presses his face to her throat
like he's about to bite her.  But he's caressing her at the same time.  And
she tries to stop herself from feeling, but it's too strong -- the feelings
are too intense, 'cause they're like, the ONLY feelings she could feel.  She
wants to be dead again and back in heaven, except this is heaven, or maybe it's
hell.  But it feels so good, so she lets him do it, because she wants it,
and she wants him... and they're probably down there doing it right now.

VI
(sighing)
Spike is SO hot.

There is universal agreement with this statement from the other Potentials.
As for Andrew, his eyes glaze over as he relives the road trip - just him,
and Spike, and the bike.

INT. SUMMERS' HOME - BASEMENT - NIGHT

Spike sits on his battered bed. He looks at the amulet, frowning.

Buffy comes down the stairs.  Spike rises, and they stand on opposite sides
of the basement for a moment, before she slowly walks into his arms.

He turns her around, holding her in a manner not dissimilar to what Dawn was
envisioning upstairs.  He bends his head and puts his mouth to her neck,
brushing aside her hair.  Buffy snuggles back against him, closing her eyes.

EXT. SUNNYDALE HIGH SCHOOL - DAY

School.  School bus (Keep your ticket - you'll need that).

Wood leads the ragtag army to the high school.

WOOD
Welcome to Sunnydale High.  Remember those humongous scissors we used to cut
the ribbon in episode one?  Anyone know where we put those?  'Cause they
sure could come in handy.


INT. SUNNYDALE HIGH SCHOOL - DAY

WOOD
Ok, here's my office.  According to Xander's blueprints, it's right over the
Hellmouth.

WILLOW
Then that's where I'll be.  'Cause it's all connected.  So I'll pull the
power right through the earth from the Gaia and the Coven, just like I
pulled the passionflower through the earth from Uruguay.

GILES
Paraguay.

WILLOW
Wherever.

Everybody divides up into teams of 2 - Giles and Wood (huh?), Xander and
Dawn (so he can half-see her get killed?), Anya and Andrew.  This is pretty
pathetic - why not put an about-to-be-newly-minted Slayer with each team??

ANDREW
Look, I want to say how thrilled I am to have the opportunity to get ripped
to shreds by primal vampires in really hot makeup.

Meanwhile, (He unfolds his speech) there's some people I'd like to thank,
like my brother Tucker, who really is my brother even though people thought
I might be the Mastermind Behind the Curtain.  And I also want to clear
something up, 'cause, hey, I'm probably gonna die here.  Spike, Buffy, you
should hear this.

BUFFY
We don't have time for this, Andrew.

ANDREW
(plunging onward anyway)
Spike, I'm really, REALLY sorry, but I was Evil last year.  You know how
that is, right?

SPIKE
Yeah.  So?

ANDREW
So, you remember Halfrek?

SPIKE
Halfrek, Cecily, sure, what about her?

ANDREW
Well, when she wasn't wrapping people's intestines around their necks, she
was plotting how to get her revenge on you.

SPIKE
Bollocks.  She's the one made my life miserable.

BUFFY
Who's Cecily?

SPIKE
My ex.  AKA Halfrek.  Long story.

ANYA
Wait a minute there.  Hallie never told me she'd had a thing with you,
Spike!

SPIKE
Wasn't exactly a thing.

BUFFY
You were two-timing me with Halfrek??

SPIKE
(glares at Andrew)
No.  I wasn't.  Halfrek was a vengeance demon who got demoted to human for
awhile, just like Anya, in the NINETEENTH century.  I was sweet on her in my
pre-vampire days, but she rejected me.  Said I was beneath her.

BUFFY looks guilty.

SPIKE
Soon after that, I became a vampire.  And I never saw Cecily again, until
she showed up here last year.  I didn't even recognize her.

ANDREW
Well, she recognized you.  And she wanted your body.

SPIKE
Yeah, well, this time I rejected her.

ANDREW
(dreamily) 'Cause you only had eyes for Buffy.

SPIKE
Right.

ANDREW
But she didn't like being rejected.  So she paid me to summon this Suvolte
demon from South America.  Then she planted these vicious demon eggs in
Spike's crypt and dropped a dime to Captain America, Riley Finn.

XANDER (wisely)
A shark on land.

BUFFY
Oh my God.  Spike, I'm so sorry!  You were framed.

SPIKE
(philosophical) Well, yeah.  Told you.

GILES
Um. Earth to Scoobies?  Apocalypse NOW, people.  Can we get back to the REAL
story, please?

SPIKE shrugs and leads the Potentials to the basement.  Buffy turns to Dawn,
but Dawn shakes her head.  She points to her feet.  She's wearing high
heels. They're kinda red and sparkly.

DAWN
If I die, at least I'll go out happy.

And she turns and goes. Buffy watches her. Wipes a tear away.  Then she
joins the Original Four - They looked sadly at each other -- Buffy, Giles,
Willow and Xander. The camera slowly circles around them, and the orchestra
kicks in with the big poignant finale music.

BUFFY
So.  Shall we burn down the school again?

XANDER
Why not?  I can always rebuild it.

GILES
I, for one, think we should keep the mayhem and destruction to a minimum.

BUFFY
Why am I suddenly thinking about shopping?

WILLOW
I don't know, Buffy.  It's not like you ever actually go shopping.

GILES
The only time you visited  the mall in seven years was on that occasion when you accessorized with a rocket-launcher.

BUFFY
Well, for some weird reason, I've got a wicked shoe craving.

WILLOW
You're sans shoes.

XANDER
Stop with the French!

Giles watches as the three of them move on down the halls, chatting together
inanely as if nothing whatsoever were wrong.

GILES
The earth is doomed.

INT. SUNNYDALE HIGH - BASEMENT HALL/SEAL ROOM - DAY

Buffy comes down the stairs to the basement as a series of images flashes
across the screen - memories from her past - and the past of her friends.
The cheese man and the vampire from the alley in The Gift make a brief
appearance, as usual, before all fades away.

SPIKE
It's showtime, luv.

He is in the lead.  He stops and waves everyone past him while he waits for
Buffy.  As they go, he inspects each one, nodding as if mentally checking
their authorizations.

Together they march to the room with the Seal.  This time it's easy to find.
It's waiting for them.

Buffy pulls out the knife Andrew used to kill Jonathan.  She cuts herself
with it, allows her blood to drip on the Seal.

She hands the knife to Faith, who spins it jauntily before slicing open her
own vein.

FAITH
Blood of the Slayer, ladies.  Step right on up and join the fun.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. SUNNYDALE HIGH - SEAL ROOM - A BIT LATER

As blood drips down from all around the circle, the Seal opens, and Buffy
enters the Hellmouth.

INT. SUNNYDALE HIGH - PRINCIPAL WOOD'S OFFICE - DAY

Willow sits on the floor inside a magic circle with the scythe. Kennedy is
standing watch over her, outside the circle.

WILLOW
Ok.  Ready to go.  Don't forget - if I turn all black and dominatrix-y, you
have to kill me.

KENNEDY
That seems a shame.

WILLOW
Don't joke about this!

KENNEDY
Sorry.  Ok, fine.  But no way am I killing you - that would be a Lesbian
Cliche.  Now stop worrying and do the thing!

WILLOW allows the magicks to rise up within her and take her.

KENNEDY
(whispers)
Go, girlfriend.  You rock.

INT. CAVERN - DAY

Buffy, Faith, Spike, and a few girls have climbed down;  more follow.

SPIKE
So far the amulet's a dud.

BUFFY
It'll be fine.

SPIKE
Speaking of jewelry, I'd feel a lot more invincible right now if you hadn't
given my Ring of Amara to Angel back in season four.

Buffy insists that she's not worried, even as the camera moves to a shot
(CGI) of an army of thousands upon thousands of vicious primal vampires - an
Epic Ubic Horde.

EVERYBODY:
Buffy?  So, what do we do now?

BUFFY
Trust me.  It'll be fine. (quietly) Um, anytime, Willow.  Do the thing!

AMANDA
This looks bad.  I think maybe I'm gonna get killed.

LINDA
Oh, please, Yes!!

BUFFY
It'll be fine!  We just need Willow to spin the mojo before they --

The Ubies see the girls and roar.

BUFFY (cont'd)
-- oops.

The welcoming Horde attacks.


END OF ACT TWO


ACT THREE

INT. CAVERN - CONTINUING

The Potentials watch, sweating, as the Ubic Horde charges up the cavern
steps.

BUFFY
It's gonna be fine.  Really.  Trust me.  No problem.


INT. SUNNYDALE HIGH - PRINCIPAL WOOD'S OFFICE - CONTINUING

Willow is incantating.

KENNEDY
So, how's it going, Will?

Willow glares at her, baring her teeth.

INT. CAVERN - CONTINUING

Buffy and Faith start to organize a quick retreat.

INT. SUNNYDALE HIGH - PRINCIPAL WOOD'S OFFICE - CONTINUING

Willow suddenly CONVULSES with power, and light coalesces around her and
intensifies.

WILLOW
Holy...

WILLOW (cont'd)
Sh...

Kennedy get rammed and knocked over by Powerful Mystical Forces.

KENNEDY
Whoa...far-out....

INT. SUMMERS' HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY (DAY 2)

We flash back to Buffy's speech to the Potentials - the one where she
actually said something important:

BUFFY (flashback)
I was given the Power.  But you have a choice.

The reason there's Only One At A Time is that some dead white guys - ok, ok,
maybe they were dead Black guys -- got together and said, "Make it so."

But they didn't have Willow.  Who's more powerful than any of those dorks
from ancient history.  'Course, I was never too good in history, but trust
me on this.  Willow kicks Shadowman ass.

So what we're doing here is tearing up the rules.  From now on, my power
will be your power.  Tomorrow Willow is going to cast a spell that will
distribute that power to every girl in the world who wants it.

No more weakness.  No more women disenfranchised!  It's all about Female
Power.  We have it, and they don't!

If you want the power, step forward and claim it.

You.  And you.  Yes, you!  Alone we may break, but together we rule!

(Music swells all around them)

Yes we are wise, but it's wisdom fraught with pain,
Yes we've paid the price, but see how much we've gained!
If we want to, we can do anything!
We are strong, we are invincible, we are Slay-er!

And the Spell takes effect:

INT. SUNNYDALE HIGH - PRINCIPAL WOOD'S OFFICE - DAY

Kennedy leaps up, assuming a kung fu fighting pose, her tongue-stud
gleaming.

INT. CAVERN - DAY

The Potentials all get a lightning-and-firework-y Quickening that would make
Duncan MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod green with envy.

The startled Ubies cover their eyes with their claws and mew like kittens.

Meanwhile:

INT. INDIA - NIGHT

A girl stands up, slugs her demanding mother-in-law in the face, and rushes out to get a high-paying job in Bollywood.

INT. INNER CITY SCHOOL - DAY

An AFRICAN AMERICAN GIRL slams on her basketballs shoes, storms out on the
court, STEALS the ball, and DROPS a three-pointer right before the buzzer.
The crowd goes wild.

INT. TRAILER - DAY

Some good ole boy tries to hit his daughter for the millionth time, but she
SLUGS him one instead and WHACKS off his balls with an axe - oh, whoops, not
Caleb, not Buffy.  Scratch that.

INT. JAPANESE HOME - NIGHT

A family is having dinner when the daughter BACKS away from the table, HEADS
downtown, and TAKES OVER her father's multi-national corporation.

INT. HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER'S OFFICE - DAY

A middle-aged but still attractive woman SLAMS into her boss's office,
THROWS him out the WINDOW, PICKS UP the phone and shouts, "Fire all the
males.  From now on we only hire female producers, directors, writers, and
actresses.  We're gonna tell Women's Stories.  And we're gonna ROCK THIS
TOWN!"

AND FINALLY BACK TO:

INT. CAVERN - CONTINUING

The girls are still "quickening" all over the place.  Fireworks are shooting
all over the Cavern and the Ubies are goin' "Oooo. purty lighties!"

AMANDA
Mmmm.  I like.

Buffy and Faith high-five each other.

As the lightening finally fades, everybody, girls and Ubic Hordes, shake
their heads for a moment.  Then things return to normal and once again, the
vampires charge.

FAITH
Ok, folks, this is it!

VI
Bring 'em on.

Big fight.  Swelling music, lots of special effects, and cool stunts and
blood and guts and guy-stuff.  Joss is no doubt having a Quickening of his own as he directs this scene.  Me, I'm waiting for the dialogue to start up again.

INT. SUNNYDALE HIGH - PRINCIPAL WOOD'S OFFICE - DAY

Kennedy is dancing around, still giving off sparks.  Then she notices.

KENNEDY
Willow?

ANGLE: WILLOW

Suddenly Willow has an EPIPHANY!  This time her hair turns white, and it's,
like, whoa, she's all Gaiasized.  More lightening - pure white this time -
and more fireworks, 'cause, hey, there hasn't been any sex on the show all
season, so we gotta do these big Highlander-style metaphorical orgasms
instead.

KENNEDY
So should I kill you now?  I feel this sudden urge to slay something.

Willow tosses her the scythe.

WILLOW
Go.  Kill Ubies.  Not Uber-White-Witch-Goddesses.  I'm good now.  Just like
Spike.  And Andrew.  And Faith.  And Anya.  It's Redemption City 'round
here.

Kennedy hefts the scythe and stares at her for a moment, then takes off,
running.

WILLOW (cont'd)
Damn, I'm good!

INT. CAVERN - DAY

Buffy is slaying everything that moves.

Kennedy tosses her the scythe, which whirls artistically through the air.
It knows its mama, and sails straight into her hand.  Buffy promptly
decapitates a boatload of vamps.

Kennedy slays quite a few herself.

ANGLE: SPIKE

Kicking ass, and having a helluva fine time.

ANGLE: AMANDA AND VI

Stunt doubles are all working overtime.

ANGLE: BUFFY

Everything in slow motion.  More really cool battle stuff imitating certain
epic movies we could name, but won't.  Also paying "homage" to cartoons and
comics and stuff.  I guess.  I don't watch or read that stuff.  Ho hum.   How're we doing on our 42 minutes here, Joss? 

INT. SUNNYDALE HIGH SCHOOL - LOUNGE - DAY

Giles and Wood bond over hand-rolled cigarettes - these are two tough dudes who've done their time on the mean streets.

They hear the sounds of their womenfolk fighting, and they blow out a little
smoke in a leisurely, comradely manner.  This is radical - women and
children are the first to die!

INT. SUNNYDALE HIGH SCHOOL - ATRIUM - DAY

Xander and Dawn also wait.

DAWN
So, Buffy's lying face down in the water, and the Master is still savoring
the flavor of her blood, and then who should come to the rescue, but you,
Xander the Extraordinary, without whom none of this would be happening
today!

XANDER
Dawn?  Shut up.

INT. SUNNYDALE HIGH SCHOOL - NORTH HALL - DAY

Andrew and Anya, also in wait mode.  Andrew has his camera, just in case.

ANDREW
Um, did you bring those heavy oxygen bottles we stole from the hospital?
'Cause they'd have really made good weapons.

ANYA
Damn, I forgot.

ANDREW
'Cause you should never introduce an oxygen bottle in episode 21 that you
don't intend to use in episode 22.

ANYA
So you're, like, Mr. Film-maker now?

ANDREW
Oh, God, I think they're coming... they're like a ravaging horde of - of
bunnies.

Anya perks up.

ANYA
Bunnies I can slaughter.

ANDREW
So, what exactly do you have against bunnies?  'Cause I never quite figured
that out from Selfless.

ANYA
Well, that was kinda lame, I agree, but hey, I got to sing.

ANDREW
Oh penis! - isn't it cool that I can say that word on television -- here
they come!


INT. SUNNYDALE HIGH SCHOOL - LOUNGE - DAY

Giles and Wood expertly whack a bunch of Ubies who have gotten past the
Slayer-ettes.

INT. SUNNYDALE HIGH SCHOOL - NORTH HALL - DAY

Anya and Andrew take on another bunch - Anya with considerable skill, Andrew
with a frenzy born of fear and desperation.

But - uh-oh - a bunch of Bringers is closing on them from the rear.  They're
surrounded.

LINDA
No fair!!

INT. CAVERN - DAY

Spike gets a tingle from the amulet.

SPIKE
Hey, Buffy.

She's busy at the moment.  Wham!  Slice! Eeeps - another low blow!  Some
poor vamp's balls go sailing through the air.

SPIKE
(Peering down at the amulet on this naked chest)
Button, button, who's got the button?  My money's on the vampire with the
soul - ahhhh!

ANGLE: A stunt-Ubie kills a stunt-Slayer.

LINDA
Wait!  What happened to Anya??  And Andrew??

Buffy and Faith take a moment to survey the scene.  The Horde is still
coming.  All the girls have done is take out a few members of the vanguard.

FAITH
Er, did we ever consider inviting them to sit down at the U. N., talk things
over?

BUFFY
That never works.
(encourages the girls)
Kill, kill, kill!

All of a sudden, Buffy takes a sword through the belly.  Hmmm.  Where'd that
come from?  Do Ubies have swords?  In Fool For Love, Spike said that
vampires didn't need to reach for their weapons.  And these guys
especially - they look kinda pre-Bronze Age to me.

Buffy falls on her face.  Ooops.


END OF ACT THREE


ACT FOUR

INT. SUNNYDALE HIGH SCHOOL - ATRIUM - DAY

Xander and Dawn fight bravely and cleverly against overwhelming odds.  Dawn
stakes a vamp with the heel of one of her red shoes.

INT. SUNNYDALE HIGH SCHOOL - NORTH HALL - DAY

Wood and Giles do cool flashy things with blades.  Hmmm.  Why aren't I
watching Buffy and Spike make love?  What do women want?  Ok, it's cool to
see girls kick ass and stuff, but, hey, there's more to life.  So where's the stuff we
really care about, like the RELATIONSHIPS? 

INT. SUNNYDALE HIGH SCHOOL - NORTH HALL - DAY

The Bringers separate Andrew and Anya, with one going down the north hall
and the other going down the adjacent hall.  Andrew is pretty pathetic, but
he keeps on trying even as they gang up on the plucky little guy.

Anya is much more impressive, but she's outnumbered.  Some really nasty
Bringer stabs her over and over until she falls down dead.

LINDA
NO!!!

INT. CAVERN - DAY

Buffy's still down.  Faith fights her way to her side.

FAITH
Buffy?

BUFFY
(weakly)
Don't let them past me.

She gives the scythe to Faith. Faith accepts it and whirls around, madly
slashing 'n slaying everything in sight.

ANGLE: SPIKE

Spike's still fighting, but he's clearly in pain from the amulet, which is
burning and aglow.

ANGLE: FAITH

She gets tackled by a whole offensive line of vamps and goes down, but she
manages to toss the scythe to Rona.

Rona does some slashing and bashing of her own.

Buffy tries to stand just as Amanda crashes down dead right in front of her
eyes.  Ha!  Where's Kennedy?  Hey, Big Ubic Killer Guy--go get Kennedy, ok?
But leave Vi alone.  I like Vi.

INT. SUNNYDALE HIGH SCHOOL - LOUNGE - DAY

Wood fights a Bringer, who wounds him in the chest. C'mon, Wood, get up!  It's just a Bringer!  You can take him!

INT. CAVERN - DAY

A couple more Slayers die, and Kennedy is slammed against a wall.  Not
looking good for Kennedy.  The Anti-lesbian-cliché folks are leaning
forward, watching intently, ready to start screaming and writing Congress.

Buffy lies rather uselessly on the ground.  She peers upwards and sees:

The First.  All dressed up like her.  It even has a sword wound through its
belly. 

BUFFY/FIRST
(leans down)
Nice try.  You know, I think I underestimated you a teensy bit.  But hey,
(waves her hand at the still-advancing Ubic Horde) too little, too late.

Buffy tries to rise.  Putting it mildly, she's pissed.

BUFFY/FIRST
Kinda stupid tactics, though, General Summers.  It's a problem with you, isn't it?  Rushing in where Angels fear to tread, as it were.  Hubris-much?

WILLIAM THE POET
See?  Hubris!  Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a classical tragedy.

BUFFY
(Drags herself to her feet and stands up tall, eyes hard, and FOLDS her arms
across her chest).  I'm not done yet.

The First looks just a little bit concerned.

Rona throws Buffy the scythe. Buffy catches it, absorbs its Slayeresque
power and explodes into a frenzy of death-dealing Girl Power.  She slays
every Ubie in sight, and then some.

You go, girl!

And then FAITH, also, emerges from a pile of vamps and ALSO starts kicking
Ubic ass.  Vamps go flying, everywhere.

ANGLE: SPIKE stumbles the spot where the Seal opens overhead.  Energy shoots
up out of his body, crashing through the basement, the principal's office,
and the roof of the High School, tearing the place apart and letting in the
sun.

INT. CAVERN - CONTINUING

The sunlight strikes Spike, but it doesn't burn or destroy him, not yet,
anyway.  What it does do is start another one of the mythic Quickening
Things going, though.

SPIKE
(gazes up, amazed, at the sun)
Buffy?  Is there an Amulet of Amara?

She runs to him --

BUFFY
Spike!

A blast of "pure, soulful sunlight" erupts out of the amulet and lights up the cavern.  The Ubies are dusted instantly, thousands upon thousands of them going POOF! all at once.

The FIRST lets out a monumental shriek of rage.  It launches itself at Spike
(dressed up in Drusilla), but he laughs.

SPIKE
Get bent, Dru.

He slugs FIRST/DRU with a Fist of Light, and she is snuffed out like a
candle.

FAITH
Way to go, Spike!

The cavern starts quaking and collapsing.  The girls bolt for the exit.
Buffy goes to Spike, who appears to be pinned in position under the seal,
kinda the reverse of when he was crucified over the damn thing.

SPIKE
I feel something, Buffy.

(For the first time, Buffy looks scared)

SPIKE
I can feel my soul. It's really there.

BUFFY
Of course it's there.  I feel it, too.

Stuff is falling all over the place and people are fleeing just as fast as
they can.

EXT. SUNNYDALE HIGH SCHOOL - CONTINUING

Giles is supporting the wounded Wood toward:

WOOD
The bus! We'll use the bus!  Check their slips!  No getting on without a bus
pass!

INT. SUNNYDALE HIGH SCHOOL - DAY

Kennedy helps Willow out, as Dawn tries to drag Xander away.  He's
screaming:

XANDER
Anya! ANYA!

But Anya is lying on the floor, eyes open, stone dead.

ANGLE: Andrew crawls out from under a pile of Bringer bodies, weeping and shaking and not quite believing that he's still alive.

ANDREW
My camera?  Where's my camera?  No...wait.

A Slayer hauls him out of there.

INT. CAVERN - CONTINUING

Buffy is still hanging with Spike.

SPIKE
Buffy, get out.  Quickly...  I think I'm doing the Samson thing here.

BUFFY
Come with me.  We'll make it out together.

SPIKE
Don't think so, luv.  Not this time.

Faith screams down to them:

FAITH
Come on, you two.  Haul some ass!

Debris is crashing down around Buffy and Spike.

SPIKE (we are so not changing this line)
Gotta move, lamb. I think it's fair to say school's out for the bloody
summer.

ANGLE: THE CAVERN

The cavern's collapsing, and the new high school's caving in.

BUFFY
Spike, please...

SPIKE
(not gently)
Go! I have to finish this.

She reaches out for him.  Their hands meet, join, and burst into flame.  They look deep into each other's eyes.

Sad finale music swells.

BUFFY
I love you.

(beat)

SPIKE
No, you don't.  But thanks for saying it.

BUFFY
Stop being shirty.  I love you.  And I'm NOT leaving you here to die alone.

SPIKE
Yeah, you are.

A big quake rocks them. Spike SHOVES her away.

SPIKE (cont'd)
Buffy, you have to.  You can have a life now.  For the first time ever, you
can have your own life.

BUFFY
No.  (She starts to cry)  I can't.  I won't leave you.

SPIKE
It's done, love.  Take this gift.  I've got nothing else.

He focuses on the amulet glowing on his chest, and its burning intensifies.
A BLAST of light emanates from it which LIFTS Buffy off her feet and BLOWS
her up and out of the Hellmouth.

Spike looks back at the destruction surrounding him, and flashes that
wonderful, wicked smile.

SPIKE (cont'd)
All right!  Gonna do it MY way.

EXT. SUNNYDALE HIGH SCHOOL - DAY

Wood drives the bus away from the collapsing school.  Dawn is leaning out
the back, straining her eyes, searching for...

DAWN
(small voice)
Buffy?

INT. SUNNYDALE HIGH SCHOOL - DAY

Buffy, tears flowing down her cheeks, tries to find a way out of the rubble
that's all that's left of the new high school.

INT. CAVERN - DAY

Spike is still smiling as the glow from the amulet totally envelops him and,
in a flash of shining light, he burns, crumbles, and turns to dust.

EXT. SUNNYDALE - DAY

The bus speeds away, just ahead of a crevass that's forking through the
earth.

INT. BUS - CONTINUING

Faith is kneeling on the floor beside Wood, trying to stop the bleeding in
his chest while he keeps driving.

Giles is patching up Rona with Vi's help.

Andrew sits all by himself, folded up and shivering.

ANDREW
How come I didn't die?  This isn't right.

Xander woodenly administers first aid to an injured girl, his expression
blank.

Kennedy clings to Willow.

Dawn still searches anxiously for Buffy.  And suddenly we see:

EXT. ROOFTOPS - DAY

Buffy is racing along the rooftops of Sunnydale, her brain on autopilot,
leaping from one to another, keeping pace with the bus as if it's a train on
a parallel track.

The bus moves past the last building in town just as Buffy SOARS an
insane distance, and lands atop the bus.

She hangs on, watching the cracks in the ground that are speeding towards
them.

ANGLE: SUNNYDALE from high up -- as the whole town sinks slowly into a huge dark crater, a tiny school bus is zipping away, just on the edge of the mayhem and destruction.

INT. BUS - DAY

Faith looks back, tells Wood:

FAITH
It's ok.  I think we're safe.

EXT. OUTSKIRTS OF TOWN - CONTINUING

The bus slowed and stops. Buffy jumps down from the roof.  Everybody climbs out, and Dawn grabs Buffy and hugs her hard.

ANGLE: XANDER AND ANDREW

Xander knows Anya's gone, but he can't fathom it:

XANDER
Where is she?  What happened?

ANDREW
It was confusing, I'm sorry...

XANDER
But did you see her?  How...

Andrew looks at Xander, and makes a monumental effort to pull himself
together.

ANDREW
She was amazing. She gave her life protecting me.  She's a hero.

Xander grabs Andrew by the shoulders, and for a moment it's not clear whether he means to hug him or shake him. In the end, he does neither; he just lets him go.

XANDER
(welling up)
That's my girl.

INT. BUS - DAY

Faith examines at Wood's wound.

FAITH
Wow, we made it.

WOOD
Yeah.  Looks like.

FAITH
So.

WOOD
So.

He looks at her. A beat.

FAITH
Who woulda thought?

He smiles a little... and does this silly thing where he seems to be dead --
and Faith gets all, well, damn, he's dead!  But then he takes a breath and says,

WOOD
So, maybe, someday, if your series doesn't get picked up...

FAITH
(she bends her head and whispers something in his ear, then leans back,
grinning).  Deal?

WOOD
(perking up considerably)
You bet.

EXT. BUS - CONTINUING

Giles looks at the crater.

GILES
How - who did this?

BUFFY
Spike.  He saved us all.

GILES looks seriously befuddled, and slightly ashamed.

WILLOW (gently)
Go, Spike!

They walk toward the edge of the crater.

REVERSE: SUNNYDALE is toast.

In front of it is a sign: WELCOME TO SUNNYDALE. After a beat, the sign
crumbles and falls into the crater.  Very faintly, in the distance, we hear
the ghost of a familiar laugh.

Everybody gathers round -- Buffy, Dawn, Giles, Xander, Willow, and Faith.

FAITH
Whoa - it ate the whole town.  Hot damn!

XANDER
(stares numbly at the crater).

WILLOW
I can feel them.  All over the world. There are Slayers awakening
everywhere.

GILES
We must find them.  They'll have to be instructed, trained, mentored, taught
to speak Sumerian.

LINDA
No.  Please no.  Not the School for Slayers.  Please.

XANDER
I want to go home.  I just - I need to go home.  Anya.

WILLOW
Xander. (Slides her arms around him and holds him close as he breaks down, sobbing). 

Camera pushes in, closer and closer to Buffy.

DAWN
Buffy?

BUFFY doesn't answer.

DAWN
Buffy, what do we do now?  (worried)  What's the plan?  (looks to Giles and
Willow, who are looking at Buffy with concern).

WILLOW
Buffy?  Are you ok?

FAITH
(trying to buck everyone up)  She's five by five.  (to Buffy) Hey, you're not Chosen anymore.  You can just be, B.  That's gotta feel good, yes?

Buffy stares catatonically at the crater.

DAWN
(upset)
Buffy?  What are you going to do now?

Buffy looks at them, her face still wet with tears.  She looks back at the
crater, and the camera moves in for a close up as she tries to think of an
answer - any answer - that could possibly suffice.  But there isn't one.

Again we see Spike's face, transfigured, and hear his voice:

SPIKE (voice-over)

Take this gift.  I've got nothing else.  For the first time ever, you can
have your own life.

The barest hint of a smile touches Buffy's lips.

BLACK OUT.

END OF PARODY


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