A Midsummer's Nightmare, with apologies
to William Shakespeare...and Joss
by Linda R. Barlow
ACT ONE, SCENE II. Sunnydale -- PRINCIPAL WOOD'S office.
Enter PRINCIPAL ROBIN WOOD, ANDREW, JONATHAN, DAWN, CARLOS,
and KIT
PRINCIPAL WOOD
Is everybody here? I'll call the roll.
JONATHAN
(aside, to ANDREW) The Big House. Sunnydale High School. Again. This sucks. It's like,
repeato-vision.
ANDREW
Shut-up, short-cake. He's looking at us. (whispers) I told you we should've gone to
Mexico.
JONATHAN
I guess community service is better than prison. As for Mexico, we tried that. Remember
truck driver guy?
ANDREW
If you ever tell anybody –
JONATHAN
Like I ever would. We're cool, dude. You saved my ass. Literally.
ANDREW
(softly) It wasn't that bad… (dreamy look)
PRINCIPAL WOOD
Here is the roll of every student's name, which is thought fit, through all Sunnydale, to
act in our little play before Joss and Marti, on his annual Not Nominated For An Emmy
Day at night.
JONATHAN
Not Nominated For An Emmy Day, I get, but why's it have to be at night?
DAWN
Joss is evil. I knew he was a vampire. Can I slay him?
JONATHAN
No way! I love Joss!
DAWN
(to Principal Wood) Who are you, anyway? How do we know
you're not evil?
PRINCIPAL WOOD
Everyone on the web says I'm supposed to be Puck, but, you see, I'm not Puck.
(mysteriously) Someone else is Puck. As for whether I'm evil, you'll all just have
to wait and see.
JONATHAN
Just get on with it, ok? Read the names of the actors, and grow to a point.
ANDREW
(Stares at Principal Wood's crotch and snickers)
PRINCIPAL WOOD
The school play this year is the most lamentable comedy and most cruel death of Pyramus
and Thisby.
DAWN
Bor-ing. Like, what, are we sending a vampire with a soul to hell again? I thought
the show was gonna be happier this year?
JONATHAN
Hey, that play's very good. Not as good as the original Star Wars, but, hey.
ANDREW
You're such a loser, loser. Everybody knows that Star Wars, episode four, may
have broken some new ground, but it had that wooden Princess Leia – how lame
was she? The Death Star blows up her planet, man, and she's all, "Oh, no! Billions of
my people just died…la la la, that Han Solo is pretty sexy, isn't he? Let's recruit
him to the Rebel cause."
PRINCIPAL WOOD
(giving them a stern look) Don't talk until I call on you. Jonathan, evil warlock
and petty criminal?
JONATHAN
Here. So what part do I get to play this time?
PRINCIPAL WOOD
You, Jonathan, are set down for Pyramus.
JONATHAN
What is Pyramus? A human, or a vampire?
PRINCIPAL WOOD
A lover, who kills himself most gallantly for love.
JONATHAN
Well… ok. That's a part I haven't played before. The romantic lead? Sweet.
I'll bring the house down.
ANDREW
That's been done already, dumb-ass. (Dreamily) That Spike is so cool.
PRINCIPAL WOOD
Andrew, demon summoner and also petty criminal?
ANDREW
Er, present.
PRINCIPAL WOOD
Andrew, you get to be Thisby.
ANDREW
Who's Thisby? A nicely muscled super-villain? A Jedi Knight?
PRINCIPAL WOOD
It is the lady that Pyramus must love.
ANDREW
Uh, you want me to play a girl? No way. Why would you think I'd even want to play a girl?
I'm not gay. You don't think I'm gay, do you?
PRINCIPAL WOOD
Sociological studies have shown that most cross-dressers are not gay. Didn't they teach
you anything when Principal Snyder was running this school?
JONATHAN
Look, if he doesn't want the part, let me play Thisby! I don't mind a little
cross-dressing for a good cause. I can do it – I'm a really good character actor
– Joss has used me for all sorts of parts ever since the original pilot that never
got shown.
PRINCIPAL WOOD
No, no; you must play Pyramus: and, Andrew, you Thisby.
JONATHAN
(disappointed) Fine.
PRINCIPAL WOOD
Kit, trouble-making Goth girl?
KIT
(drags on a cigarette and blows the smoke in Wood's face) Yeah.
PRINCIPAL WOOD
Kit, you must play Thisby's mother.
KIT
Whatever. Like I'm really gonna show up.
PRINCIPAL WOOD
Carlos, token Hispanic stud?
CARLOS
(preens himself and grins at DAWN, who smiles back) Hey.
PRINCIPAL WOOD
You're Pyramus' father. I'll be Thisby's father. Dawn Summers, shoplifter, truant,
and potential destroyer of the universe?
DAWN nods eagerly.
PRINCIPAL WOOD
You have the lion's part. And that about wraps up the cast.
DAWN
I'm the lion? Hey, cool. I thought I'd be stuck as the damsel in distress again. So, you
mean I really get to slay this season?
PRINCIPAL WOOD
No, you just get to roar a lot.
DAWN
Ok, I can do that – listen: GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT!!
(Everyone cowers and covers their ears)
JONATHAN
Let me play the lion too: I will roar so well that Joss'll say, "I really want to
bring back the Geek Trio again – weren't they great?"
ANDREW
Dude, you suck. We so don't need Joss's attention – if he likes you too much, he
kills you off. (Whispers) Especially if you're gay. I mean, look at Tara.
JONATHAN
Don't trash Joss! Joss should get an Emmy and beat you over the head with it!
DAWN
(annoyed) Look, you're not Superhero Jonathan anymore, ok? You're not
even lame-ass trying-to-be-evil Jonathan. So shut up before I start whining.
(Everyone cowers and covers their ears again)
PRINCIPAL WOOD
Either you play Pyramus or you make license plates, got it, kid?
JONATHAN
(sulking) Yeah, I got it. But I still think I could play any part in this play and
do it better than the rest of you geniuses.
PRINCIPAL WOOD
Good, then, here are your parts. Go home and memorize them by tomorrow night, then we'll
meet in the woods, by moonlight. We'll rehearse there, for if we meet downtown,
everybody'll guess what we're up to. In the meantime, I'll draw up a property list, so
we'll have all the stuff we need for our play. Be there or you get detention.
JONATHAN
This could be fun! We get to act all brave, and maybe the girl'll
like us and we'll get some.
PRINCIPAL WOOD
Remember, we meet in the woods, that is, the fake woods in the parking
lot that doubles as a cemetery.
DAWN
We better bring stakes. (fingering the stake she's secreted in her jacket) At least
somebody's letting me hang out in Sunnydale after dark.
Exeunt.
END ACT ONE
Previous Scene -- Beginning
-- Next Scene
The real
scene as Shakespeare wrote it.
Linda's other Buffy Stuff |